Sometimes he hit hard enough that it left both of my feet wet.

These hats are the worst kind.

Hotwheels suck ass

cant do something sexy in the bushes

Apparently HIP HAVING is frowned upon in this establishment

Step dad won’t play hide ‘n’ seek

Keep talking and I’ll blow out my ears

My coffee buddy dumped me and that’s a FUCKING FACT

Twitter deleted my galaxy brain thoughts on the benefits of inhaling methane

Gerry til 6 p.m.? Heck no.

Listening to a boomer is like watching YouTube dogs speak in Russian.

Running a race while choking on food. Not gonna be first

Belgian fricks sending me PMs

Ground control problems every fucking goddam Thursday

Fuck it I’ll just call him Josephine and hope it works

Tying a knot is a lot like cold torture.

Crazy tired of watching your mom poop in that carton.

Damnit dude, stimulated love hormone pumping

Im telling Im getting arrested for little dirt piles.

If Alec doesn’t get pregnant he can’t deal with me, dude! I have a ton of fish to deal with!

Leave your phone alone and look at these despicable water cups. i couldn’t even fit one leg in there! Cheers idiot!

“But my 7 students are sick today” I don’t care do I look like a dead horse?

I hate depicting how nipples are …

If Alec doesn’t have a dick Im gonna scoff.

That guy had a bullshit pud pull

My shower is only spitting out smoke

If Alec gives me another fucking VCR I’m going to anger hug everyone at this party

Petey doesn’t mean lizard. why would you say that?

 I will not let you Lube my elbows damnit

You’re gonna try to fuck me with a carrot stick? This is extortion and I know it

Called a Marvel movie smelly now Axiombone, age 10, is trying to send bombs to my house

Some people have the literal IQ of a coffee pipe.

I am literally adoring your dog okay? I’m not having a stroke

Scram you little red substance stuck in my asshole.

I’m not the one that peed on me idiot

“Hey dude, your crazy geek ass is gonna die like a sloppy baby” is that supposed too upset me greedy ass motherfucker

Here I am in Walmart just trying to find brain cells to compete with.

Just got startled by a super stealthy river kid

big wet fuck drivel, so I ain’t sleeping there

I couldve been researching ghost behavior. Instead I’m a loser

Ill call the police if i land in ur masturbatory good time list.

I hate being around limited amounts of honey

Hearing your infant scream at the top of its lungs was as akin to rubber ants crawling in my ears.

Photoshopping an old dress is strenuous because I don’t have any reference

Jesus fucking Christ it’s boldof  you to borrow my chimps teeth.

Some dude’s asshole leaked all over my drivers seat. But I’m the only one to use it

These FUCKPUNKERS are just waiting for me at the corner store thinking about many ways to kick my ass

I am baking snacks and you would rather play some fish video game with your husband?

Listen here fucker you can’t just “tell me kangaroos exist” and then not explain further

Stuck in a strange building yelling “UUG KNEW I KNOWS hDateAAAIIiiiicingifeird” at myself while just kissing a dead motherfucker.

If Gerry left earth I’d be happy

ETA is for idiots. Just fucking know

How many times do I gotta tell my gf that i don’t want to be Stevie  Wondered

Listening to explain why youre wrong . . . .

I’m sick of being the only Pizza Master in this House

Guy with ‘son of A deep coal miner’ bumper sticker you know is just the worst

These NYT story about abductions doesn’t do me ANY good.

2020 is coming then overwhelming my ability to concentrate

I dont understand how people could Still be pissed at me for starting that fire….

Got whatever bullshit going on in my living room.

Yeah Im sorry Its “humvees”

Gigantic Tom drew these dragons mating. Not very good honestly.

I didn’t want Carrie Shore kissing my monkey. But look where we are.

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